Here's hoping it's a great 2008

I wish everyone a happy and healthy 2008.

I have only 2 New Years resolutions this year:
1) To have a healthy baby in May/June
2) To move house

Not many but as they are whoppers I reckon they will keep me busy enough!

Happy Christmas

So how was Christmas for you? I hope you all had a wonderful time.

Our Christmas was lovely. We had a busy week visiting friends and family and being thoroughly spoiled by everyone. A few photos to sum up the week.

Firstly the weather - freezing fog and no light for decent Christmas photos.

Secondly much playing with new toys (that includes me - I loved the new train set as well!)

Thirdly - cosying up at Grandma and Grandpa's house in front of their lovely log fire.

And finally a winter picnic at a local NT park we discovered. Cold but lovely. Food just tastes better outdoors for some reason.

Favourite pressie I received - The Happy Campers book - this is so me!
Favourite pressie I gave - Alex's train or the Oxfam Unwrapped train a teacher package for my Mum.
Favourite moment - when Alex delved into his Christmas stocking and found the chocolate coins. Or Alex dancing in his jim jams to Chris's new Motown CD. Such happy music.
Favourite meal - stollen and tea by the fire at my parents house.

Fabric Frenzy

I may not have had much energy to do any crafting of late but I have managed to pick up some great fabric in the local charity(thrift) shops recently. I never buy new fabric anymore apart from the odd bit of felt and stuffing. On my budget charity shops are definitely the way to go. Table cloths, sheets and pillowcases tend to be my best buys - none of the above cost more than £2.00. The pink and green tablecloth/throw is very Christmassy but I don't want to cut into it. It would make a great bedspread as it is. My Mum has an old pine cabin bed lurking in her attic somewhere and I want to use it for Alex when he is a bit older. This would go great with that - very Alpine and rustic. (I'm half Swiss so I love Alpine style even if it is twee!) Talking of things Alpine - I must find a copy of Heidi to read to Alex. I loved that book soooo much when I was little. Still do.

Rainy Weekend

There was some of this...
...and lots more of this....Apologies for the terrible photos - all due to a combination of my cheap camera and terrible weather as shown by the giant puddle. Although Alex and his pals Zach and Tobias just loved those puddles. They all ended up covered in mud to their waists and soaked to the skin. Not that they minded one bit. Then when the rain finally defeated us we retreated indoors to decorate the tree. Alex just loves the tree. He had such fun opening the Christmas box and hanging baubles up. I forgot to take any photos as I was just enjoying the moment so much. Having children of your own makes you remember just what a special time Christmas is for children. It's truly magical.

I did manage to cobble together a few more presents on my list. Being on a very tight budget this year and also not having the energy for crafting in the evenings I had to come up with some new ideas. I have been noting the wonderful ideas floating around in the blogosphere recently and have bookmarked them for next year instead. I especially love Bella Dia's advent activities!

For the children in our swimming group I dug out some Christmas tins I got on sale last January and filled them with chocolate coins. I remember loving chocolate coins as a child so hopefully they will all enjoy these too. Cost about £1.00 per tin.

A chef's set for kids from Wilkinson's for under £5 for our playgroup's Secret Santa. (I really should make this myself but I went for the stress free version!)

China egg cups shaped like vintage VW camper vans - a bargain at £1.49 in Cancer Research Shops. I got a whole load of these for all my nephews and nieces. I quite fancy one myself.

The 4 babies that arrived this year are getting white onesies with a little patch cut from some cute superbuzzy fabric on the front. (Yes they will be made by me!)

Sister in law is getting a little jug with some ingredients for hot chocolate to go with it.

Still a few more to go though.

Christmas is coming....slowly

Well, so far we have done very little Christmas shopping, mainly because I hate shopping at the best of times and right now the crowds are unbearable. I did manage to get some panettone and stollen cake for some friends. I am getting my Mum another Oxfam Unwrapped gift this year. Last year I bought 100 school dinners for kids in Africa and a training programme for a community nurse for her/on her behalf plus a couple of handmade goodies. She absolutely loved the idea. Dad is getting a foodie hamper from us with a selection of local produce. Chris - I still have no idea although he is getting a celebratory meal, DVD and some cava for his birthday (24th Dec). Alex is getting a wooden train set and some bits and pieces in his stocking.


I am itching to put all our Christmas decorations up but Chris insists on waiting till next weekend. I think all the twinkly lights make the house so cosy and special. Just take a look at Soule Mama's beautiful cosy home. I love that the Americans put theirs up straight after Thanksgiving. I have been looking for ornaments in the local charity shops but I think everyone else has had the same idea as there are none to be seen. I did find the one below sometime in the summer and the little snowman and santa noughts and crosses game at a car boot sale.


Craft wise I am planning to make a stocking for Alex but that will have to come after the embroidered felt Christmas hearts I am hoping to make for my closest girl friends. I am hoping to try a button wreath sometime but it depends whether I can find the right glue anywhere. Alex and I made glittery pine cones at a friend's house last week and I really want to make some more but I can't find any glitter at the moment as it seems to be sold out everywhere!

The 12 week scan - an emotional rollercoaster

A couple of months ago I emailed Manda at Treefall to offer my sympathy when she had some bad blood test results for her long awaited MP2. She was worried about risking an amnio and having been through a similar experience with Alex I wanted to email her to let her know she wasn't alone. And I wrote that I was trying to get pregnant but already terrified of being in that very same position again. As it turned out everything was fine and someone somewhere had input the wrong due date which skewed the results. I was so relieved for her as Manda and I have very similar tales; same age, a history of infertility and miscarriage and mercifully we both have a much loved toddler at home.

What I didn't expect was to have an almost identical experience to hers.

We had booked a private nuchal fold scan for 12 weeks as it is a more thorough scan than the NHS dating scan and it is combined with a new early blood test result. Our reasoning was that if something was wrong the earlier we knew about it the better and the longer we would have to come to a decision about amnios and futher testing etc. At my age (38) these things are heavily recommended and as I have another child to think about I was keen to know as much info as possible.

The scan was fine. The baby looked healthy (and waved at us) and the nuchal fold measured 1.4 which is spot on. We breathed a huge sigh of relief as Alex's nuchal fold had been 2.5 and just on the borderline for abnormal ( we chose not to have an amnio with him). I finally let go some of my fears and let myself believe we might be having another baby in May.

But then we moved over to the computer where the consultant inputted all the data. His face fell and he muttered something. I looked at the screen and my heart stopped. The Papp A blood test results came back with a 1 in 17 chance of Downs (should have been about 1 in 250 for my age) and 1 in 200 for Trisomy 13 and 18 (should have been 1 in 1400). I just couldn't take it in. Seconds ago everything had been looking rosy and now everything looked blacker than black. My poor beautiful baby. Then I just broke down and started sobbing so hard I couldn't speak.

The consultant double checked the results with the lab which confirmed them. There was no chance they were wrong. So we left and drove home through the pouring rain with tears falling down our faces. We talked and cried and cried and talked and then we retreated into exhausted silence.

I couldn't believe we were in this situation again. Although this time the statistics were much much worse than they were with Alex. There was so much to think about, what impact it would have on Alex and his life, how would we deal with things, what decisions could we with live with and which were just not possible . I made a decision a long time before we had Alex that we could not terminate a child with Downs. It really helped me to know that I had made that decision already but I was worried what impact it would have on Alex, especially if the child has serious medical problems such as a heart defect (common in Downs). What really worried me worst of all were the trisomy 13 and 18 results as they are supposedly incompatible with life (edited to add - please see Therese Ann's comment!). I had known there was a chance of all this happening but the scan had lulled me into such a state of false security that I just couldn't get my head round it at all.

When we got home we just hugged each other for a long time. And then the phone rang and it was the hospital. The consultant has stayed behind to go over the data again and again. And he found one of the dates was wrong. When he changed it it changed the results - back to normal.
The risk went from 1 in 17 to 1 in 650 for Downs and 1 in 200 to 1 in 14000 for the other trisomies. So we went from happy to desperate to pure joy in the space of a few hours.

So my thanksgiving day was spent thinking how incredibly lucky we are. To have one wonderful child and another one hopefully on the way. That some people never get to have children at all. That we may have got bad results but we got a phone call that changed all that and gave us the most wonderful good news. That most people who get bad results don't get that phone call later. We are so very very grateful.

Winter Sunset

This was the view from our house a couple of weeks ago (before the rain and snow). A nice photo to make up for the lack of anything handmade and the very wordy previous post.

Bob the Builder has moved in next door

This is the view from my front door! My whole house is vibrating as I write this.

Alex is very excited as there are great big yellow diggers and dumper trucks living next door and he gets to watch them from his perch on the back of the sofa looking out of the living room window. Me on the other hand, I'm not so happy about it.

When we moved here 4 years ago from London we were after a quiet country life. Unfortunately due to budget restrictions we could only afford a small modern terraced house in a cul-de-sac and not the detached country cottage of our dreams. However its big saving grace was that it was at the end of the row and over looked fields at the back. We had neighbours on one side but on the other was a lovely rambling old garden filled with apple trees and an impressive vegetable plot. It made our tiny garden feel much bigger and gave us the privacy we were looking for.

However last year the two old gentlemen who live there sold off their garden to our local garden grabbing developers. I don't blame them as they are in their late seventies,they need something to cushion them through old age and they were offered 6 figure sums for the land which would be hard to refuse for anyone. But I am gutted.

Now they are building not one but two houses on a relatively small patch of land right next to mine. They are going to have patios rather than gardens so their houses will be about 10 feet away from mine. I will be overlooked completely in both the garden (from one house) and inside the house(from the other at the front). I can live with the building noise and disturbance, the loss of the lovely garden but what I cannot live with is the loss of privacy and the lack of space. I feeled hemmed in and they haven't even finished digging the foundations yet.

I have seen the house designs and they are lovely, white weatherboard and terracotta tiled roofs and a lovely traditional design. They will be very attractive to look at. What I am not keen on is the fact that they will be able to see me in my PJs in my own home and vice versa! We tried complaining about how close it was to ours at the planning stage but because we live in the modern high density part of the village we didn't have a leg to stand on. Plus we are the only ones affected by it so we had no support. We bought this house purely because it wasn't overlooked so the building work is very detrimental to our enjoyment of the house and garden but we just don't rate as important enough to stop the development.

So I guess we are going to have to move. We will have to leave the area as there is nothing affordable here and move further east where it is out of commuter belt. I will miss this lovely village and my friends here but I know I can't live hemmed in on all sides. When to move will be the question - if the building work gets completed sometime in the spring we will sell up then. However if all goes according to plan we will be having a baby at the end of May - Slap bang in the middle of things. We have to decide whether to try moving before so putting the house on the market in Feb 08 (when it looks at its worst) or after and not moving till Autumn 08 (and trying the keep a house with a toddler and a newborn tidy for viewings). Hmmm. This could be interesting.

Oh yes and the 4 bed house they built up the road with no garden just sold for £600K - what madness! Who wants a family house without a garden?? Not me that's for sure.

Fireworks

Well the boy doesn't like fireworks much so we managed one quick photo and then we left. Maybe next year.

Pre-School is Just Around the Corner - argh.

First of all apologies for the lack of any creative/crafting vibe around here. I have no energy or enthusiasm for anything at the moment as I still feel terrible. However Alex keeps me occupied and gives me lots of kisses and cuddles and that is the best medicine you could ask for!

We went to have a look at the local pre-school playgroup last week. It is in the same building as the local primary school that I would like him to attend eventually. It is a really sweet Victorian red-brick building and it's small and personal which I much prefer. I hate these giant schools which I think are so overwhelming for small children. We are very lucky in that our local primary school has an excellent reputation and the kids seem to love it there. Anyway the pre-school group is separate although in the same building which means they can use the same facilities - a lovely grassy wooded playground, kitchen, bathrooms - and get used to the environment before having to go to school all day all week.

Alex was born in the summer so he will have just turned 4 by the time he is meant to go to school. I think this is terribly young and would love to wait till he is 5 (and homeschool) but I might have to go along with this. So the thought that, when he does eventually go to school, he will be in the same building surrounded by the same people (including his friends) is a very comforting one.

However the group is pretty big with up to 26 kids on Mondays and Tuesdays (when I work and had planned to take him). When we were there on a Wednesday there were only 10 kids and I thought this was a much better number - less noisy and manic! So we may swap days so he goes on the quieter days. He is a very mellow easy going little boy and he does get picked upon by the alpha male toddlers so I am hoping a smaller group will avoid this.

I got very teary at the idea of him going to school (I am so with you on that Suzie Sews!) - it all seems far too soon. However I know that it will be good for him, that he likes socialising and the stimulation it will give him will do him the world of good. It is only for 2 1/2 hrs and would only be twice a week so it's not too demanding. Still it feels like the end of babyhood and the start of a new phase in his life - one that goes on for another 16+ years. Also there is the matter of trust. The only people who I leave Alex with are his grandparents and his Dad. I have never left him with anyone else and the idea of leaving him with a bunch of relative strangers, even if very experienced and well qualified, is a weird one. One I have to do eventually but not one I am looking forward to. I guess these things are as much a rite-of-passage for me as they are for him.

Happy Halloween!

Brothers

We had a busy week last week as my brother and his partner were over from Boston (USA) where he now lives. We had a great week playing with my nephews (who live here in the UK with his ex-wife) and catching up. I really miss him as I only see him twice a year now and with all the kids around we don't get much time to really talk properly. He likes outdoor stuff like me - hiking, biking, sailing and is thinking about taking up kayaking. He was telling me all about Boston and the fact that in the summer you have all the wonderful coastline and in the winter you are a short drive to the mountains for skiing. Jealous - me? Of course. All that wilderness on your doorstep plus snowy winters and hot summers. Mind you he works so hard ( a doctor in emergency medicine) that he only gets the odd weekend and two weeks a year holidays. Not much time for all that wonderful scenery and when he is on holiday he comes to the UK to see his kids. I met his partner Anne for the first time and she is lovely - really lovely. I just wished they lived closer so I could get to know her better.

I was thinking about siblings and how important they are. I have loved having a brother. We fought like cat and dog when we were kids but I have always appreciated his company. I think that is what I want Alex to have a sibling. I was quite happy to have only one child as I thought he is such a great kid I would be tempting fate to ask for another! But then I thought about how much it means to be part of a family, to have siblings around especially as your parents get elderly. There is someone there who is still part of your past, who really knows you, who shared much of your life with you. I have friends who are only children who are in the process of losing one or both parents and they tell me how desperately sad it is to lose all contact with your past and that it is a very lonely feeling.

I am 9 weeks tomorrow. Off for my first blood test tonight, doctors appointment on Thursday and scan in 3 weeks time. Still feeling sick as a dog - a cross between flu and sea-sick is the best description I can come up with. However every time I feel slightly better I feel terrified that I am having another miscarriage.

Alex and I are taking a look round his pre-school group and primary school tomorrow so will post about that shortly. Plus one of my closest friends is having her baby tomorrow by c-section - halloween parties for that little one!

Stockholm Photos

In lieu of anything interesting to say I am posting some photos from our trip to Stockholm in June.

My Weekend

Feeling very very sick and very very tired at the moment - I guess at almost 8 weeks my symptoms have really started to kick in. Hence a quick resume type post is about all I can manage this morning.

My Weekend:

Friday night: first night out since December 2006 (yes I can't believe it either) - dinner with my three closest girlfriends. Lovely. Got home at 11.30 pm and almost keeled over with tiredness.

Saturday morning: a walk around Hatfield Forest and Alex fed the ducks and ate an ice cream.

Saturday afternoon: an afternoon nap.

Saturday evening: I watched Amelie again. I had forgotten just how much I love this film. I love the music, the oddball characters, the tiny details, the colours, the romance, the narrator - just everything about it. It is a perfectly crafted jewel. I have a Very Long Engagement on DVD on loan which is made by the same team but I still haven't manage to stay awake long enough to watch it. (I am going to bed ridiculously early these days)

Sunday morning: breakfast and the papers and playing village building with Alex.

Sunday afternoon: visiting my parents house and meeting up with my brother over from Boston for the week and my darling nephews Tom and Hamish. Telling the family our good news. Even though it's early days it seems I would rather they knew after all.

Sunday evening: early to bed with Sebastien Faulks new novel Human Traces. Lights out by 9pm!

The Call of the Wild

I have a terrible hankering to be in the wilderness somewhere. A desperate longing in fact. I want to stand on a mountain or hillside and look at a sweeping view. I want to look at miles of space and not see any sign of human habitation. I want to see forest and lakes. I want that feeling of awe and freedom it gives you. I want to feel the earth, smell the rain, hear the silence and wonder at the power of nature. To be surrounded by the raw elements.

I feel hemmed in by suburbia even though I live in a rural village. It's too tame, too busy, too crowded. I live in the South East of England within 50 miles of London and there definitely isn't any wilderness anywhere near here. Nor any within driving distance. Even our recent trip to North Norfolk which did have some wild elements has not satisfied my longing. I would love to move to Canada, The Pacific Northwest, North East USA or New Zealand and live in a log cabin on a farm somewhere but I am too close to my family to even contemplate moving so far away.

We are planning on moving next Spring as they are building two houses on an old garden right next to ours and we feel very crowded and overlooked. It is bad enough being in a cul-de-sac but at least being at the end we had some space. Not anymore. Our garden is so small (20ft x 30ft) it doesn't really offer that sense of outdoor space that I need. I dream of finding a detached cottage with a big garden and no neighbours to feel some of that sense of nature around me. However in this area they are waaaaaay beyond our tiny budget. In fact anything decent is beyond us. But a large garden is my number one priority followed by a rural / isolated location. Maybe we should try buying a plot of land and a caravan! It would suit me but I'm not sure hubby would agree.

I was looking at Amanda's beautiful photos of Maine on Soule Mama and I am deeply envious. Maine looks truly beautiful. I don't care that it snows all winter, I love snow and they have lovely hot summers! I am really jealous of the sense of space they have. The forests, national parks, coastline and mountains.

I love American literature and especially books about small town America (a la Garrison Keillor) or the wilderness. I read Call of the Wild and White Fang by Jack London when I was a kid and loved them. And Little House on the Prairie of course. Nowadays I adore anything by Annie Proulx and also the Border Trilogy by Cormac McCarthy. At the moment I am part of the way through Dee Brown's Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee - about the genocide of the Native American Indians. It's excellent and deeply moving.

So for the moment I guess I'll just have to keep getting my fix of wilderness through my books.

Vroom Vroom

Alex is just crazy about cars - to the point where he takes one to bed at night and kisses it tenderly good night. My brother warned me about the joys of having a car crazy son as one of my nephews is also car crazy. He now knows more about tractors and fire engines than most farmers and firemen! I have lots of nice wooden farms and villages and blocks and they all end up populated by fire engines and trucks rather than animals or people! So finally I decided since he isn't keen on dolls or stuffed animals I would make him a cuddly car to snuggle up to in bed. I did a bit of a rush job on it (whilst Alex napped one lunch hour) so it's not great. I do kind of like its homespun look even though I really do have to work on my embroidery skills. It's made from a thrifted flannel sheet which is so soft and so far it's not been flung out of his bed yet.

Some Norfolk photos

Happy October

Happy October to you.

It's turning out to be a happy October for me. I had a great time in Norfolk last week (we changed our minds about Southwold at the last minute!) and we were incredibly lucky with the weather. It was a week of walking on the beach, tucking into giant pub lunches, building sandcastles, exploring saltwater creeks, listening to migrating geese flying overhead in huge formations and enjoying each others company.
I turn 38 tomorrow and I have much to be happy about - a wonderful son, a home in a lovely village, my health, my friends, my hubbie, my parents in good health and living nearby, a job I enjoy, lots of creative hobbies and much more besides.

And better still......... I'm pregnant!

6 weeks tomorrow. The best birthday present ever! You should have seen me dancing round the room when I saw that second pink line appear. You guys are the only people I have told so far apart from hubbie. I am hoping and praying that this little one makes it but in the light of past events we have decided to keep it a secret till we get to 12 weeks. Our families were so upset by the last miscarriage that we don't want to put them through that again. Although I am not sure I can keep something of this magnitude quiet for that long! I am rubbish at lying to people so if someone asks me directly I will probably spill the beans anyway. And considering I get quite sick I think someone might just notice. Anyway we are delighted if somewhat nervous about it. Happy and terrified in equal measures.

Thank you Susie and Anne!

Thank you Susie and Anne for your kind comments and being the first to read my blog. It made my day to find someone had found it and enjoyed it. I have read both yours and am very impressed by your sewing skills. As a newbie on the sewing front I have a lot to learn but I am very inspired by all the wonderful blogs out there. I'm off on holiday for a week but will be back soon. Thanks again and have a good week!

Ah Southwold

Southwold, Suffolk is one of my favourite places for a short break by the sea at any time of the year. Chris and I came here in with Alex when he was 12 weeks old on his first ever holiday. It holds lots of special memories of that time (he started sleeping through the night that week!) We have also come here for our anniversary which is in December and enjoyed the pre Christmas atmosphere with twinkly lights, log fires in the pub, and of course fish and chips on the pier watching the waves lash the sides. The only trouble with Southwold is it is too popular! Having won Britain's favourite sea side town this year and having been popular with the Guardian/Boden set for a while ( I read the Guardian and would love to be able to afford Boden - so I guess I mean us!) it gets over run at weekends throughout the summer. We tend to go out of season and even then it can get so busy you can't find a parking space.I do love it so. It has quaint victorian cottages, a lighthouse, Adnams Brewery, cosy pubs, tea rooms, lots of open green space, a revitalised pier, a thriving art scene (Serena Hall is a favourite), cute shops and a lovely beach. You can cross the river to Walberswick in a small rowing boat (the local ferry) and go crabbing with buckets. There are rows of brightly coloured beach huts (which I lust after) and you can walk for miles along the beach. So I will be on a blogging break next week as it's my birthday (38 argh!) and we are off to Southwold again for a week's fun at the seaside. Back soon!

A Family Portrait

I don't know about you but I have never managed to get a decent family portrait done. I take all the photos in the family and when I ask someone else to take a picture they never focus properly or zoom in etc. This is the best family photo we have. I guess I ought to shell out some money and get one done by a professional sometime. I have seen an advert in a magazine by a company that does outdoor portraits somewhere in North Norfolk. I think that sounds more my cup of tea than a formal studio portrait. Pity I can't remember their name.

Hanging on to summer

Autumn may be here but I am hanging on to summer for as long as I can. These are the last of the flowers in the garden and while they still live it's still officially summer at my house. We have been spending as much time outdoors as possible over the past two weeks. It's actually been much drier and sunnier, if a bit chilly, in September than it was for most of the summer. I have been taking photos of every last glimpse of blue sky I see desperate to hold on to the sunshine.I took Alex on a "Get to Know your Footpaths Day" organised in our village at the weekend. It was great fun meeting lots of other parents and a good excuse to get out for the day. We walked for about 2 hours and Alex walked most of the way despite his little legs. We managed a bit of blackberry picking en route and visited the Crump earthworks - an ancient pre-historic mound just outside the village (one of the advantages of having a friend married to a history teacher!). In the end it was three families who walked together as we had the youngest and slowest children and we had a really nice time.

Our village is such a wonderful place to live. It is very small with no facilities apart from a village hall but the people are very sociable and enjoy organising regular events from harvest suppers to midsummer balls to barn dances and pub quizzes. Most people who move here never leave and houses rarely come up for sale. We have lived here three years now and I have to say it is probably the nicest place I have ever lived. It may not be the most picturesque but it is definitely the most friendly.

If you go down to the woods today....

..you'll find Alex and me hanging out under the trees and feeding the ducks. Chris was away in Amsterdam at a gig at the weekend so Alex and I had time to just potter about and enjoy each others company. This past weekend was gorgeous. The sun was shining, there was a fresh breeze (autumn is on the way) and the light had that clear blue intensity that you get in the winter.

Alex and I went to feed the ducks down at the old ford in a nearby village on Saturday morning and in the afternoon we made banana loaf together before heading down the lane for another walk. We spent the evening listening for owls and we even saw a fox cross the field at dusk. The fox is now called Olga after the fox in Cluck O Clock. On Sunday morning it was a quick trip to a local car boot sale for some wooden toys (see previous posts). In the late afternoon we went to the forest for a long walk around the lake, some monkeying about in the trees and some more duck feeding.

I love these weekends. I am happiest when I am outside somewhere wild and peaceful. I think Alex is the same.

Current Sources of Inspiration

Amy Karol's Bend the Rules Sewing. This just arrived at the weekend. Wow. This book is the one I have been looking for. Great sewing tips for us beginners, loads of pretty and quick projects, easy to follow instructions and gorgeous photos and design. I think this will be living on my bedside table forever.

Jeu de Paume's Stockholm Apartments. I bought this when I was in Stockholm in June visiting my friend Tine who lives in an apartment just like the ones in the book. I adore Stockholm and we are planning another trip to Sweden next year - this time with more coast and mountains. (I'm saving my story about Stockholm for a rainy day post!)

Japanese Book from Superbuzzy featuring little houses. Quilts, bags, tea cosies, cushions - all gorgeous.

Another baby block

This one is for my nephew Edward who is due any day now.

Some more great thrift finds

And now for something on a lighter note.... I went to two car boot sales these past two weekends and scored some great finds. Lots of cheap fabric for me (sheets and curtains) and lots of wooden toys for Alex (on my mission to replace all his plastic toys with wood).

Infertility and me

Just to show it's not all sweetness and light around here I will talk about something that has been a huge part of my life for the last 5 years. Infertility.

We spent almost 3 years actively trying to have a baby. They were three very long very sad years. I saw what felt like hundreds of friends, family and work colleagues having babies whilst I remained babyless. I struggled with terrible bump envy and often I would have to cut short a shopping trip because I was crying having seen a little baby in a stroller. The jealousy and rage were terrible. The primeval urge to have a baby is a hugely powerful one - it completely controlled my life for those three years. It was all I thought about and I spent hours online researching fertility and reading infertility blogs.

We had various tests and were on the waiting list to have further intrusive tests at the local hospital (a two year waiting list - argh!) when I finally got pregnant in June 2004. After more than 36 long long months I was over the moon. I stayed pregnant for 11 joyous but nausea laden weeks before miscarrying at home. And then I entered the blackest period of my life when I just couldn't get past the anger and the total panic that I would never have a child. No one apart from my parents and Chris really understood how huge the loss was. I wanted people to commiserate on my losing a long awaited baby not just suffering a miscarriage (such a meaningless word in my opionion). I had, for a short while, a baby in my belly and the dream of who they would be. And all of sudden a huge void where that little person had been. And nothing at all to remember them by apart from their brief presence in my life.

And then a few months later the most amazing miracle - I got pregnant again. However instead of being overjoyed I was terrified it would happen again. Every day I ticked off as we crawled towards the 12 week period. I was terribly nauseaous all over again making it almost 6 months in one year where I had been sick! I had a reassurance scan at 8 weeks but I still didn't believe things would be OK. I made it to 12 weeks and let out just a small sigh of relief only to have things go awry when the nuchal fold scan showed an enlarged fold. We were right on the cut off line for having an amnio so I had to make a decision and quickly. I decided not to have the amnio being terrified of losing another baby. Even though the percentage chance is tiny it is a possibility and just I couldn't take the risk.

Then at 42 weeks, a hideous induced labour, emergency c-section, blood transfusion etc (now there's a story for another day...) my giant 10lb 9oz baby boy arrived safe and sound. I have never been so happy in my life. Despite an awful time in the hospital I was ready to do it all again immediately. I was so in love with him I wanted to start trying for another one almost straight away and I knew then that I wanted loads more kids. However the told me to wait a year for my scar to heal so wait we did.

So a year passed and it was the best year of my life with my darling boy. However the broodiness started to kick in again and the more we thought about it the more we wanted to try for another baby. Despite the lack of money, the tiny house, my age etc. I have loved being a mother and I love being surrounded by kids. I enjoy their company and I don't mind the bad days because the good outweighs it all ten times over. I really want Alex to grow up with a brother or sister to play with. For fun and games when they are kids together and for emotional support and friendship as they grow up. I would love a house full of children but sadly it's a bit too late for that (not through want of trying though). We started trying again at Christmas 2006 - this time we were full of hope that it would happen, maybe not quickly but eventually. And here we are almost a year on from then and still no sign of a pregnancy on the horizon. I am surrounded by bumps again and although I am not as desperate as last time I am beginning to feel those old pangs when I see pregnant women. So it is decision time. Do we go and have some more tests again to see whether there is a problem or do we wait it out again? I am getting old (38 soon) so I really feel time is starting to run out on me.

One thing I do know is that I am so incredibly grateful just to have Alex in my life and that if he is all I get then I am still one very very lucky woman. And I will enjoy my life with him rather than fretting about what might or might not be.

More photos of France

Budgeting and Space Saving Tips - Part One

I live in a teeny tiny house and on a teeny tiny budget so I have got a few tips for those in similar circumstance that I would like to share.

Sand and Water Table- instead of buying large, expensive sandpits I got two cheap washing up bowls and filled one with playsand and one with water. Along with a plastic cup, small plastic milk carton, some spoons and a sieve I made a sand and water area for Alex on our very small patio. I placed them on the step so he could reach it standing up. If you don't have steps then a bit of wood on some old bricks would do just as well. It can all be taken apart and stacked over winter in a cupboard or shed and takes up no room at all. Grand total - £1.00 for two bowls and £2.00 for the sand.

Paddling Pool - when Alex was coming up to a year old we had a really hot summer. I couldn't find a cheap paddling pool anywhere as they all sold out so I improvised. I got his old baby bath out of the loft, filled it with warm water and some bath toys and hey presto - a teeny tiny pool. Actually it was just right for his age as he could sit up and be supported in it but it wasnt so big he could topple over in it. This probably only works for young kids before they can really walk well.

Play kitchen - I don't have enough room for a play kitchen in our main living area and even less room in our kitchen. Alex is just at the age now where he enjoys imaginative play and he loves doing cooking. I got some of our smaller pans, some wooden spoons, plastic picnic plates and cutlery, an old mini-cereal box, an old milk carton (plastic) and some jam jars full of dried pasta. All this I put on top of a tray on his toy box which serves as the work station/counter top for his cooking. I am planning to make him his own apron this weekend and also I think I might try and sew a few circles onto plain cloth to look like hotplates etc. to drape over the toy box. The other way of making a toy kitchen work top/cooker is to get a cheap wooden box or crate, turn it over and either paint on all the hotplates, knobs etc onto the flat bottom or if you are handy add a few cheap knobs for real twiddling. You could even add a back plate made of wood and add some hooks for cups or tea towels etc. Much nicer than those giant plastic things you see.

Foraging

Alex and I spent a large part of the weekend blackberry and cobnut (hazelnut) picking in the little country lanes around our village. We came home happy, bags full of loot and with hands and faces covered in black sticky juice. I never knew you could eat cobnuts raw but they taste a bit like crunchy peas and they are delicious in salads (thanks to Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall and a timely article in the Guardian). I am also letting them dry out before roasting them so I can use them in cakes etc around Christmas time. I think the rainy summer has helped the fruit this year as everywhere seems to be bursting with produce. Apparently it is a great year for apples as well. One thing we do well in England is apples - tart, crispy, bursting with juice. I can't wait for harvest time. I dream of one day having a garden big enough for some fruit trees; plums, apples, pears. My grandfather's garden in Scotland had a great orchard and some of my happiest memories are picking fruit and making crumble with Grandma. My parents have a large garden with fruit trees so I hope Alex enjoys his time at their house doing much the same things as I did. It is so immensely satisfying to grow, pick and cook your own. My Mum also makes great jam and chutney from their fruit trees which I treasure like liquid gold.

I heart France

I love France. I spent many summer holidays there as a kid and I also spent a year working in Aix en Provence in my early twenties. My parents live over in South West France in the Gers for half the year so we still go fairly regularly. Here are some of my favourite photos from recent holidays.