Infertility and me

Just to show it's not all sweetness and light around here I will talk about something that has been a huge part of my life for the last 5 years. Infertility.

We spent almost 3 years actively trying to have a baby. They were three very long very sad years. I saw what felt like hundreds of friends, family and work colleagues having babies whilst I remained babyless. I struggled with terrible bump envy and often I would have to cut short a shopping trip because I was crying having seen a little baby in a stroller. The jealousy and rage were terrible. The primeval urge to have a baby is a hugely powerful one - it completely controlled my life for those three years. It was all I thought about and I spent hours online researching fertility and reading infertility blogs.

We had various tests and were on the waiting list to have further intrusive tests at the local hospital (a two year waiting list - argh!) when I finally got pregnant in June 2004. After more than 36 long long months I was over the moon. I stayed pregnant for 11 joyous but nausea laden weeks before miscarrying at home. And then I entered the blackest period of my life when I just couldn't get past the anger and the total panic that I would never have a child. No one apart from my parents and Chris really understood how huge the loss was. I wanted people to commiserate on my losing a long awaited baby not just suffering a miscarriage (such a meaningless word in my opionion). I had, for a short while, a baby in my belly and the dream of who they would be. And all of sudden a huge void where that little person had been. And nothing at all to remember them by apart from their brief presence in my life.

And then a few months later the most amazing miracle - I got pregnant again. However instead of being overjoyed I was terrified it would happen again. Every day I ticked off as we crawled towards the 12 week period. I was terribly nauseaous all over again making it almost 6 months in one year where I had been sick! I had a reassurance scan at 8 weeks but I still didn't believe things would be OK. I made it to 12 weeks and let out just a small sigh of relief only to have things go awry when the nuchal fold scan showed an enlarged fold. We were right on the cut off line for having an amnio so I had to make a decision and quickly. I decided not to have the amnio being terrified of losing another baby. Even though the percentage chance is tiny it is a possibility and just I couldn't take the risk.

Then at 42 weeks, a hideous induced labour, emergency c-section, blood transfusion etc (now there's a story for another day...) my giant 10lb 9oz baby boy arrived safe and sound. I have never been so happy in my life. Despite an awful time in the hospital I was ready to do it all again immediately. I was so in love with him I wanted to start trying for another one almost straight away and I knew then that I wanted loads more kids. However the told me to wait a year for my scar to heal so wait we did.

So a year passed and it was the best year of my life with my darling boy. However the broodiness started to kick in again and the more we thought about it the more we wanted to try for another baby. Despite the lack of money, the tiny house, my age etc. I have loved being a mother and I love being surrounded by kids. I enjoy their company and I don't mind the bad days because the good outweighs it all ten times over. I really want Alex to grow up with a brother or sister to play with. For fun and games when they are kids together and for emotional support and friendship as they grow up. I would love a house full of children but sadly it's a bit too late for that (not through want of trying though). We started trying again at Christmas 2006 - this time we were full of hope that it would happen, maybe not quickly but eventually. And here we are almost a year on from then and still no sign of a pregnancy on the horizon. I am surrounded by bumps again and although I am not as desperate as last time I am beginning to feel those old pangs when I see pregnant women. So it is decision time. Do we go and have some more tests again to see whether there is a problem or do we wait it out again? I am getting old (38 soon) so I really feel time is starting to run out on me.

One thing I do know is that I am so incredibly grateful just to have Alex in my life and that if he is all I get then I am still one very very lucky woman. And I will enjoy my life with him rather than fretting about what might or might not be.